“He’s making a list, checking it twice; gonna find out who’s naughty and nice. Santa Claus is coming to town.” With the assistance of the Intelligence Directorate of the Russian Army, who helped Trump win the presidency in 2016, we hacked North Pole computers to obtain Santa’s list.
The jolly old man and his elves spend months in Santa’s workshop thinking about how to match the gifts with those who will open a package on Christmas morning. It is not without considerable thought that Jolly Old St. Nick decided on the following presents.
Santa has pet rocks for the 32 Wyoming legislators who signed a letter to Governor Gordon asking him to endorse Texas’s democracy-demeaning lawsuit in the Supreme Court. Mrs. Santa observed there are several colloquial sayings about rocks that apply to these lawmakers. “Rocks it is,” said Santa with a gleam in his eye. Santa considered giving them a pack of Kool-Aid but decided that should come from Trump because he is their cult leader.
In addition to her own pet rock, Senator Affie Ellis of Cheyenne, who signed the letter, gets a refresher course on Constitutional Law at the University of Wyoming College of Law. The Trump University Law School curriculum apparently didn’t include this informative course. Otherwise, she would have known better than to sign that anti-democracy epistle. Maybe a little more time in the classroom will help, though Santa lamented, it won’t cure unbridled ambition.
State Representative Scott Clem, whose day job is pastoring a church, will find a new pair of glasses under the tree. Santa worries Clem can’t tell the difference between the pulpit in his church and the podium in the House chambers. Santa thought about bringing him a mask but decided it should go to someone who actually cares about the health of his or her neighbor.
For Susan Gore and the Wyoming Liberty Group, Santa is bringing the gavel normally awarded the Speaker of the House and the President of the State Senate because Santa knows who really runs the Wyoming legislature.
Mark Gordon should consider it a sufficient enough gift that he was not up for re-election in 2020. He has two more years in the Governor’s mansion before the Wyoming Republican Party knocks him off in the 2022 primary.
Mayor-elect Patrick Collins gets three walnut shells, including the one under which he hid his intention to fire Police Chief Brian Kozak until after the election. The shells will be useful for his continued coverup of the real reason he dumped the popular Chief.
For Joe Barbuto and his fellow Democrats, Santa has a replica of the actual rock Sisyphus has been pushing up that mountain for several centuries.
One of the mischievous elves metaphorically attributed to Liz Cheney anatomical parts nature reserved solely for men, parts not evident in her two male colleagues. Because this is a family newspaper, Santa says, “That Liz Cheney has guts.” Because she told the truth about Trump when her GOP colleagues wouldn’t, Santa wrapped a copy of JFK’s Profiles in Courage.
Santa wanted to give a pair of those missing anatomical parts to John Barrasso but his sleigh was over-weight with pet rocks. John will have to go without for the remainder of his term.
That doesn’t mean John gets nothing. He gets to walk a mile in the shoes of those who have lost jobs, been evicted from homes, can’t pay medical bills, or put food on their children’s table while he and Mitch McConnell wistfully played cruel politics with the COVID-19 aid bill.
Santa has Medals of Honor for nurses, doctors, teachers, grocery store clerks, first responders and all other “essential employees” who’ve been America’s heroes during the last awful year.
Donald Trump? He gifted himself plenty over the last four years. Christmas gifts seem redundant. But, Santa’s elves voted to give him a “Participation Trophy.” He might not like it, but millennials will appreciate the irony. Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, Mr. Former President.