With another election season right around the corner, here’s a top 10 list on what to say and do to win the incumbency:
1. No matter what the case, always establish your devotion to the Second Amendment of the United States of America. Wyoming is one of the most heavily armed states in the Union. If you’re not packing, you’re not representing. In fact, every time someone asks you a question about any political issue, answer it with something Second Amendment-related.
2. Elk. Kill it. Grill it. Eat it. The rest will take care of itself.
3. Trout. Catch it. Look at it. Throw it back. Walleye is for winners.
4. Be adamant about demonizing taxes. Taxes are for bleeding-heart-liberal-snowflake communists. Any sort of notion of a levy should be treated as a direct message from the graves of Karl Marx or Leon Trostky. This is why Wyoming is one of only two states to exempt corporate taxes. It’s also the exact reason why Rawlins has more potholes than teenage acne scars.
5. In completely ironic fashion, always support your local high school sports. Even though Wyoming Congress continually proposes to cut funding for education, many of these politicians have permanent butt grooves in their favorite Friday night bleacher. Go, Spartans!
6. Showcase your adherence to individualism. Here in the great Cowboy State, any sort of government is perceived as an invasive species. By letting the powers at be know you’re an independent thinker who promotes deep contempt for checks and balances, you’ll be well-liked in many political circles. You’ll also help Wyoming remain one of the most financially hermetic states in the country. It’ll be all uphill from there.
7. Abortion. Don’t support it, whether you do or not. Chances are, you’ll likely appeal to a huge swath of evangelicals and other sorts of predominantly monotheistic enthusiasts, which there are a lot of in this state. Gain the confidence of this demographic, the election is yours.
8. Use coal to fuel your lawn mower. Pour oil in your cereal. Use a block of uranium to power your kid’s boy scout box car. Because Wyoming is an extractive state, which is slowly, slowly figuring out how to diversify its portfolio. If you don’t support fossil fuels, go back to California. In fact, play global warming off as a hoax and call scientists satin worshipers.
9. Be a rancher. Let’s face it, the landowners are the true keepers of this state. You step in their way, you’re going up a creek without a paddle. In which case, if you’re not already a rancher, refer back to number six of this list. It’s your only hope.
10. Drink habitually. Not necessarily the greatest advice, but hey, beer’s good. Plus, it’s a commonality shared amongst so many people, liberal or conservative. This is probably true in many states. If you can’t sit at any given bar, have a beer with a potential voter, you’re going to lose out. And who the hell likes sobriety anyway?
So, readers, if you’ve made it this far, congratulations. If you’re hinting at a campaign, you are now ready to convince your fellow Wyomingites that you’re the right person for the job. And remember, if anyone actually asks you why you’re the right person for the job, just tell them something about the Second Amendment.